One Concept

The concept I want to discuss is relational dialects, because this actually came up in a conversation I was having with my friend a couple days ago, and why being in a relationship sucks at times because there isn't enough comfort with these opposing forces, or tensions which are normal in relationships. There are three different dialects. One is autonomy/connection, which is the desire to want to spend time with one another and also wanting your own space. The other one is novelty/predictability, which is the want for rhythms and routines of our relationship, and then the need to do something new and different. Then at last is openness/closedness, which is wanting to share stuff with someone and then there are things that you don't want to share with them. Everyone experiences these wants and needs, but not everyone understands them. For example the first one, we want to spend time with someone we care about but you can't spend all your time with them, because you have other interests, but the other person might not understand and think that you don't want to spend time with them because there is something wrong with them. I think it's important to understand these relational dialects because that way you can avoid a lot of unnecessary conflict. 

Favorite. Least Favorite. Improvements

My favorite thing about the class was probably being able to relate the course material to real life. I actually enjoyed the writing assignments as well and I got to look at my personal communications style, especially with the relationship paper. I got to look at my relationship with my best friend on another level because you don't always think about your communication with your friends because you just go along with the relationship as a whole. I think the least favorite thing about this class would have to be the quizzes. I know since this is online class, there are online quizzes but I didn't learn anything from taking them. So to me they were pretty pointless. Other than the quizzes, I don't see how this class could be improved any further. I like how we used a blog for discussion and I liked the written assignments, because those actually taught me something new.

What I have learned

I think that I've actually learned quite a lot more in this class than in any of my other classes. I think that's because we communicate on a daily basis. One thing that I learned from writing the intercultural paper, is how different communication can be in different countries and how important it is to understand communication in these culture when you travel, especially on business. You don't want to say something that will offend the other person, or make them not understand what you messages you are trying to convey. Another thing, I learned was about the self and how other people perceive you versus how you see yourself. Then last but not least, I learned how to communicate more effectively by taking different steps during a conflict, for example by aiming for a win-win conflict or focusing on the overall communication system, as it is part of a larger whole.

3. Chapter 11 Concept

Guidelines for effective communication in families: 

Maintain Equity in Family Relationships- The most important thing in sustaining healthy families is to make fairness a high priority. You have to invest equally into a relationship.


Make Daily Choices that enhance Intimacy-Families are creative projects that reflect the choices made by the people around them. Small and big choices both matter in a relationship. You choose who you want to be with your actions and how you will bring awareness to the choices you make in your relationship.


Show Respect and Consideration- Families need to value and respect each other to be able to sustain a healthy family. It's easy to take your partner for granted, but it is important to show respect when facing problems and discussing complaints.


Don't Sweat the Small Stuff- Try to overlook minor irritations and frustrations. This will make any relationship last, whether friendship or romantic. Even though you can't control the small stuff, you sure can take responsibility for your perceptions and your response to them.

2. Changes in Marriage

I think from the changes that have already happened like marrying and divorcing multiple times, as well as arranged marriages and the fact that it's not always expected to marry, more changes will occur in the next 50 years. I think that more people will either get married just for the sake of it, like Kim Kardashian or Britney Spears. Marriage isn't a serious matter anymore, and I think the decrease in importance will either have an increase in marriage (as well as more divorces resulting from careless marriages) but it might also decrease. I know I'm not looking into getting married anytime soon, just so that I can get a divorce a couple years later. I would be fine being in a co-habitual relationship, not because of the commitment problems but rather the fact that marriage is sacred and you shouldn't have to divorce.  A few of my friends are already married and are starting to have children, but for me this is to early in life. I think some other things that might change is the age that people marry. Back in the day people used to marry very young and now most people want to wait, some even after they are 30.

1. Family Definition

I think that Family is anyone that is there for each other when times are rough. You don't have to be related to be considered family. Family is an unconditional love for one another. I would consider some of my close friends more of a family than the people that are actually related to me. They are the ones that see me and talk to me on a daily basis. They sit and listen to me cry, and they know all my problems. My real family doesn't really know everything about me like my close friends do. So I think that most things discussed in this chapter fit into this definition. Whether you are a couple, a couple with kids, or just really close friends, as long as you are there for each other and love each other and support each other, it can pretty much be considered family and you don't have to be married either to be a family or to even start one.

3. Chapter 11-Concept

Styles of Loving:
People might believe that love grows out of a friendship or that it happens at first sight. Just like there are primary colors there are primary styles of loving, eros, storge and ludos.
Eros: The most spontaneous love style, is intense and it includes sexual, spiritual, intellectual, or emotional attraction.
Storge: This is a love based on friendship and compatibility, it is comfortable and even-keeled kind. It grows out of common interests, values and life goals. They do not include the great highs of erotic ones but they don't partake in fiery conflict.
Ludos: This type of love is playful, and it is seen as a game, like a lighthearted adventure that is not really taken seriously. Many people go through ludic periods, like after a long-term relationship, but they don't stay in it. This style of loving is for people who like the romance but aren't ready to settle down.

2. Love & Commitment

My recent relationship is a good example of where love was present but commitment was lacking. My ex-boyfriend was not really committed to the relationship and even though he loved me, he didn't treat me right. So where there was love and commitment coming from me, it was more of a one way street and in the end I couldn't take it anymore and broke off the relationship. I think it had a major impact on our relationship, especially being the reason why it ended. You have to have both to be able to make it work. I can't really describe a personal relationship where commitment is present but not love, but I could imagine a relationship like that wouldn't work out either. To be fully committed you have to be passionate about it and that includes love, but just because you are passionate doesn't mean that you will be fully committed.

1. Deception

So everyone knows that people lie about all kinds of things on online dating sites, even Facebook. Is it ethical? No, I don't believe that it is, but that doesn't stop people. I think that it is easier to be deceptive during an online interaction because there are more aspects that you can lie about like your looks, your weight, your attractiveness level, etc. Also people make themselves out to be who they want to be or who the other person might want them to be. A person online can pretend to be into sports and use Google to keep up with a conversation about sports, while face to face interaction makes something like that almost impossible. Even though deception is much easier accomplished during an online interaction, it still occurs during face to face. People are never one hundred percent honest and lies happen all the time, whether they are major or little white lies. People tend to exaggerate on things they are insecure about just to make themselves feel better and in the end deception in both interactions is still unethical.

Ch. 10 Concept: The Development of Friendship

The first step in the development of a friendship is the role-limited interaction. This is the initial meeting and the first stage of interaction as well as a possibly friendship. Here we rely on general scripts and stereotypes. The second stage is friendly relations. Here we find out if we have anything in common. After that we are moving toward friendship and beyond social roles. In this stage we try to hang out with someone on a more personal level. At this stage you also enjoy interacting with each other but won't invest much time into the friendship. Most relationships stay at this stage because disclosures, investments and expectations tend to be limited, also known as acquaintances. The next stage is nascent friendship. We think of each other as friends and we will share feelings and emotions with each other. Then we get to stabilized friendship. Here we assume continuity in our friendship and there is a high level of trust. And the last stage is waning friendship. This is where both people stop investing time and you start to drift apart.

2. Friendship Dynamics

One of my close friends and I are always very busy, but we invest time in each other by setting up dates when neither of us work and we get together and talk about what has been happening and what is new. When we get into a disagreement we try to see each others point of view. The book mentions how necessary dual perspective is to be a good friend. We often ask each other if the other person can relate to our experience and if not we try to explain it. Another important factor is honesty. We always try to be honest with each other. I'm probably sometimes a little too honest and will tell it how it is, but I think my friend likes that about me. If something is happening that I don't agree with, I will speak my mind. If someone asks me for my opinion they will get an honest even though sometimes a bit brutally honest, opinion from me.

1. Friendship issues.

So the advice forum had very random posts and none of them had anything to do with challenges people are facing with their friendships. In this case I will just talk about how the issues represented in the book reflect to my own challenges. The first issue the book talks about is competing demand. Every person is faced with different priorities and not every person can be there for a friend all the time. One of my friends is trying to help out her mom because she's depressed and that leads her to spend more time with her mom than she does with us. She communicated this to us, so we know why she hasn't been around like usual. The other issue the book mentions is personal change. Not every friendship is life long and I've had a lot of falling outs with friends from high school. None of my relationships have stayed the same over the years.

Ch. 7 Concept: Guidelines for Communicating Emotions

Identify your emotions: What do you feel? Take time to realize what you feel instead of ignoring your emotions. When experiencing more than one emotion, try to identify the primary one, so that you can communicate what is really important.
Choose how to express your emotions: First you have to evaluate your current state. Try not to express your feelings when you are angry or upset because you are not in a clear state of mind when experiencing extreme emotions. Secondly, you need to decide who you want to express your feelings to. Next you need to select an appropriate time to discuss your emotions. And finally you need the appropriate setting, because you shouldn't express feelings of hurt or anger in a public place.
Own your feelings: Owning your feelings is very important to effective communication, because accountable for our emotions.
Monitor your self-talk: We participate in self-talk, which is communicating with ourselves when we feel emotions. We tell ourselves we shouldn't be angry or sad, etc. This affects what happens in our lives.

Fallacies

The book mentions social expectations as a fallacy and that women aren't supposed to express emotions of anger, but I have no problem letting someone know when I'm mad and upset. I have a bigger problem letting someone know when I'm hurt. I don't like when people see me as vulnerable, because I'm always usually really strong and that is what I want other people to see. I'm learning though that it's okay to share all kinds of emotion because it makes everyone understand you better as a person and it feels better to let everything out in the open rather than bottling it up inside. I guess another fallacy that shows up in my interpersonal communication is 'protecting other'. I don't always like saying how I feel because I take the other person's feelings into consideration first and before my own. I know I should take both our feelings into consideration so that I can effectively express my emotions to them. It's just a matter of how I express it.

Perspective on Emotions

I think that the physiological and perceptual influence on emotion makes the most sense because we experience emotion when external stimuli, like a bad grade on a paper or the news of a loved one dying, cause physiological changes in us. External events also don't really have a meaning until we attribute meaning to them. So combining these two perspectives makes the most sense because we feel emotion right away but it depends on how we define these events and how significant they are to us to create the outcome of a certain emotion. Getting a bad grade on a paper might make someone sad, while it makes the other person angry, or they might even feel indifferent. Everyone has different reactions to certain things because they give different meaning to these things. Making racists jokes can be funny to some people but it might really hurt the person that is being made fun of.

Ch.6 Concept: Guidelines to Effective Listening

Be Mindful: Paying your full attention to someone while they talk is mindful, and it is one of the highest compliments you can give to someone while listening by letting them know they matter to us. Mindful listening is the most important principle to being a good listener.
Adapt Listening Appropriately: There are different reasons for listening. It could be that you are listening out of pleasure or for information. You have to listen appropriately and adapt our listening styles to our goals.
Listen Actively: Listening is an active effort, once we know that, we can appreciate it more. To listen actively we need to stay focused, we have to look at others' ideas and feelings and understand them as well as organize them, and retain what a speaker says. By listening and collaboratively and engaging in problem solving we all can become active partners. When we learn that mindful listening is an active process, we can hopefully invest more effort into it.

Listening is a 10 part Skill

While reading this I learned that to make something more interesting while listening, you have to ask yourself questions like how this can be useful to yourself and if any of the ideas are worthwhile. By asking yourself questions like that, you have to take in all the information that is given during a conversation. I've noticed a lot of people get too excited when someone speaks, but I learned that you shouldn't do that until you clearly understand what is being said. You might interpret things differently when you don't fully understand what the other person was trying to convey. Distractions are inevitable and poor listeners get distracted easily, so you have to fight these distractions to be a good listener, and when you can't get rid of the distractions, you need to work on your concentration. And the last interesting thing I learned is that we think faster than we speak and that we have about 400 words of thinking time in a minute while a person is talking. We should take that extra time to our advantage and use it to think about what is being said.

Nonlistening

I Think I'm guilty of almost all the six different types of nonlistening, except for the ambushing and literal listening. I think my major problems are selective listening and pseudolistening. Sometimes my friends like to talk about the same problems a lot and I don't pay attention when things are being repeated but I'll pay attention to things that haven't been said before. When it comes to pseudolistening, I really need to try to really listen and the best way to do that for me would probably interact more during the conversation. When people have a lot to say, I have problem paying attention because too much information is given to me, so I should interact to part of the conversation so I can process all the information in parts rather than a whole. When it comes to selective hearing, I need to listen even when I have heard the story before, because by not listening, I will miss parts that I haven't heard before.

Ch. 3 Concept: The Symbolic Nature of Language

Symbols Are Arbitrary- This means that the words are not intrinsically connected to what they represent. To give something a meaning we all have to agree on the symbol. Different cultures have different meanings for example a Dr. Pepper commercial in the United Kingdom had a tagline "I'm a pepper", which over there actually meant I'm a prostitute. Since language is arbitrary they can also change in meaning over time. For example in the 1950s the word gay meant "lighthearted" and "merry" and now it is used to describe a sexual preference.

Symbols Are Ambiguous- They are ambiguous because it isn't always clear what the meaning is. Not every word means the same thing to everyone and not everyone will agree on what is meant which is a common problem between friends and romantic partners. For example in most countries the term "dog" means four-legged creature as well as a member of the family while in some other countries it also means four-legged creature and food.

Symbols Are Abstract- Being abstract means that the symbol meanings are not concrete or tangible. When someone says you are insensitive they only remember the times when you were insensitive over the times that you were sensitive.

Hate Speech

What I didn't know about hate speech is the fact that it is protected by the 1st Amendment, which means you can blurt out racist slurs and you have freedom of speech to do so. There was an example of an American Nazi Party marching through a Jewish suburb and I find that really shocking and unbelievable that people have the right to do that, but then again church members are allowed to bash gay people because apparently "god hates fags". Personally, I think that hate speech should not be protected by the 1st Amendment and it should be illegal to hate on people because they might be different from us or because they share different beliefs. Everyone should have the right to have their own opinions about whatever but nobody should be put down and bullied for not sharing your beliefs. Freedom of speech should not include hate speech. Other countries have banned it for a good reason.

American Society Metaphors

I think that the melting pot is a good way of describing American Society. Everyone has their differences even within the same culture, so I doubt calling it that will take anything away. I think we have accustomed to everyone's cultural beliefs. For example living in San Jose there are different parts of town that are for example all Mexican, from Mexican grocery stores to restaurants, yet people of non Mexican heritage still shop there. I think we can still be a melting pot without getting rid of each others differences but accepting them into our life. I think the best way to describe it is by looking at our food choices. We can eat any type of food that we want from Italian to Chinese. Another way is by looking at our immigrants, to live here most people have to speak English. I'm from Germany and I had to learn, and now most people can't even tell that I'm not American, but that doesn't mean I haven't forgotten about my German Heritage. I have just melted into fitting in by adopting the language as well as other things.

Ch.2 Concept: Guidelines for Improving Self-Concept

The first step in improving self-concept is to make a commitment and that is more than just saying you are, you have to invest time and energy to bring about change. This is also something that has to continuously happen, not just a few times. It's kind of like wanting to lose weight, going on a diet won't really work because you will most likely just gain it all back once you stop dieting. To successfully keep weight off, you need to change your lifestyle and start eating healthier and make exercise something you do regular like brushing your teeth. The second step to bring about constructive changes is knowledge. You need to understand how your self-concept is formed, and look at the socially constructed perspectives and whether or not you want to accept these. Another thing is self-disclosure, you need to reveal information about yourself that others are unlikely to discover. How people respond to this will help you learn new perspectives.

Race

According to the book, and in Western society race is considered a primary aspect of personal identity. Race a lot of times is referred to as skin color and a lot of times people refer to individuals by that. For example, someone would say black so so, to identify which so and so they mean instead of using their last name or any other ways of identification. I don't always think it's useful to classify people by their race but sometimes it makes it easy because everyone knows who you are talking about. I don't think it's necessarily right but people do it no matter what race that person is, so at least it has nothing to do with racism. Regarding the Census Bureau, I had no idea that you weren't able to check more than one race on it. I definitely think you should be able to check multiple races because we are starting to date outside our race and a lot of people are mixed races. In a couple of years there isn't going to be many people that are just one race because we are all slowly starting to mix together.

Then and Now

From what I was able to find out, I think the thing that changed most from back in the day, is the fact that women are considered even more equal than before. 60 something years ago, women were still expected to be housewives, cook and clean and be a mom, while the husband worked and brought in the dough. 40 years ago, women were attending college and they were getting their degree so that they too were able to work and not just be housewives. Men were expected to be successful and take care of their wives. Nowadays, everyone is working and everyone is supporting themselves. Women have gotten a lot more independent, and they don't count on any man. Things that were inappropriate back in the day was hitting on women like men do today. Everyone is really straight forward and they will tell you right away if they want to sleep with you. Back then there was such a thing as a gentlemen and sex wasn't really allowed outside of marriage, and it was considered sinful to be sleeping around. Now all that seems to be the norm.

Principles of Interpersonal Communication

There are 8 principles that have been considered effective when it comes to interpersonal communication.
Principle 1: We cannot Not Communicate.
There is no way that anyone can avoid communication throughout an entire day. Even silence is communicating something, whether it is anger or disinterest. And you are still communicating even when you might think that you aren't.
Principle 2: Interpersonal Communication is Irreversible
You can't take back or erase something you have said to someone else. When you get into a heated argument and say something that you later regret, all you can do is apologize. This just shows how much what we do and say matters. This should keep us aware of what we should say and what we maybe should keep to ourselves.
Principle 3: Interpersonal Communication Involves Ethical Choices
Ethical issues concern right or wrong. Since what we say affects others, we need to be aware of what we say and thus we have to make ethical choices.
Principle 4: People Construct Meanings in Interpersonal Communication
We use symbols to construct meaning into our communications and it is how we interpreted this symbols that makes us understand the meaning of communication.
Principle 5: Metacommunication Affects Meanings
Metacommunication means "about communication", meaning you communicate about someone's communication. For example when the person you are talking to seems really tense and their words sounds sharp, you might ask them if they are stressed.
Principle 6: Interpersonal Communication Develops and Sustains Relationships.
We build, refine and transform relationships with interpersonal communication.
Principle 7: Interpersonal Communication Is Not a Panacea
We communicate to satisfy many of our needs and to create relationships with others, but many problems can't be solved by talking, for example it won't end hunger. There are limits to interpersonal communication.
Principle 8: Interpersonal Communication Effectiveness Can Be Learned
Effective communicators are not born, and it's not a natural talent. You are always able to learn skills that will enhance your effectiveness in relating with others.

Relationship

The person I have become closest to is my old roommate. We first met at a party in 2007 and we got along right away. We both were looking for a house to stay at and when I got kicked out of my place, she let me crash at hers until we found a better housing situation. I barely knew her and we shared a room together for a month and it was no problem. It was neither an I-It or I-You relationship, it was an I- Thou relationship because we acknowledged each other as unique and accepted each other as who we are, rather then just meeting someone at a party and creating small talk. Our current relationship has stayed pretty much the same, only now we know how to communicate better so we can avoid unnecessary drama and arguments. She often has to have things explained to her and if she doesn't get it, she gets mad easily and thinks you are trying to cause harm, but once you explain and she gets it, there are usually no problems at all. The one thing I love is that we can scream and argue at each other one moment, say sorry and then laugh again 5 minutes later. There aren't a lot of people out there like that.

Linear & Interactive Models

Linear models are a one-way process where one person transmits information to another person. In the process of receiving information there is also a noise source, which is anything that can cause a loss in the information that is being transmitted to the other person, which can be anything from regional accents to background conversations in the workplace.
Interactive models are a two-way process, where the receiver gives feedback to a given message. In this model there is a sender and a receiver. One person delivers the information or messages to the other person. These two differ because one only lets you send and receive one way, as in one person sends while the other only receives, while in the second model one person sends and receives simultaneously. The second model also is a lot more similar to an actual conversation, because both parties are actively communicating, while in the first model only one is communicating. An interactive model could be similar to a conversation you would have with your manager at work. They ask you a question, you answer and then they respond to your answer.

Introduction

Hey guys, my name is Kat and this is my last year at SJSU. If everything goes as planned, I will be graduating in the Fall with a BS in Advertising and a minor in Art History. I needed one more unit outside my major to complete the requirements to graduate but instead of taking an easy 1 unit course, I decided to take this one instead and actually learn something. I've taken online classes in the past, so this isn't anything new. I almost prefer them over having to go to class because I can do it on my time. I've also used blogger before this class, as well as wordpress, but I'm excited to use this as a tool of communication and for discussion. I don't have too much experience with communication but I do have a lot of experience with mass communication and media.